Squinty McGee

Few people know this, but I'm telling the truth when I tell you that I wear glasses. Not in the present tense or anything like that. More like in the way of saying "His corneas are ellipses, so he needs glasses". Again, not in the present tense though. I don't wear them currently. They are not sitting on my face right now, nor have I been misleading you in all my portraits/photos/doodles! I would never dare embellish my drawn self.

The last pair of glasses I owned fell in a creek in 2006. This is my best guess anyway. We arrived at said creek, frolicked, got muddy, and upon arriving home, realized I had no glasses. Mind you, I wasn't blind as a bat without them. I had only a mild astigmatism at the time, so they were reserved for comfort or nighttime driving.

Not long after that trip I moved to New York City and had no use for driving. Or comfort. Bah! I was in no hurry to replace them, and lackadaisical whimsy turned into outright forgotten procrastination.

Well, my eyes have gotten worse since then and I catch myself squinting all the time to make out details of distant objects. If you know me, you might call me Squinty McSquintyPants, Squinty McGee, or Japanese, which is sticks for you because I am half Japanese. You racist. Now, after nearly 5 years without glasses, I've become fed up with squinting, getting squinting headaches, not recognizing people I know until I nearly pass them, and the squinting. But most importantly, on Labor Day weekend Audrey and I are going upstate to my parents' lake house, where we will lounge about, swim, and best of all: I want to star gaze. Recently at my cousin's wedding, I looked up towards the heavens and saw only black speckled with smeary dots. THIS WILL NOT DO. Living in New York has made me forget what it is to see the stars! I had to fix this.

So I looked up some of the better known eyeglass places here in NYC. In my searches, I came to find that every optometrist is either absolutely terrible, or that google maps is full of slighted customers, angrily pounding out bad reviews in order to stick it to these stores. While the latter psychologically makes sense, I decided not to take my chances.

I decided on Park Slope Optical, because it's nearby and the man I spoke to on the phone didn't sound like he was 20 and already done with living. It was an altogether wonderful experience. Good selection of frames, really friendly service, and I spoke at length to the optometrist about painters whose eye ailments presented through their paintings. I was in and out in less than an hour and my glasses should be ready by Wednesday. GREAT SUCCESS.

There is only one downside to all of this: Now that I know my glasses are on their way, the anticipation of once again seeing clearly is upon me. Now that I remember that clear vision is possible. Now that I have come to terms with the fact that I have been doing my vision a great disservice…

I find it an absolute bother to squint anymore. It is offensive to me.

I catch myself looking at far away objects thinking, "Why should I squint at that like a damned peasant?"

Having bad eyesight made me work muscles around my eyes that I never even knew I had, and now I'd be damned if I ever used them again.